what comes out is what is

What does this bring you? For me its raw feeling. It’s a conjuring of things I cannot keep often for fear of bursting my heart. Like being a child. Not in a montage of childhood activities sort of way, but instead the loneliness, and the shapes you see in the shadows on the wall when you can’t fall asleep because all you are is beautiful beautiful new energy. 

And then that slips away and the world becomes harsh. Not the reality of it, but your coming awareness of it gives that idea of separation from it. And that’s cold. But not quite entirely, so you get these moments of adolescence where the music of the stereo and that joke and your best friends laugh mix with the warm air circulating through the backseat of the car at dusk and everything is yours. Its yours, and you want so desperately to deserve it. 

When you wake up thinking it all belongs to you inherently, and you have been slighted because you no longer hear or feel those things, that is the victory of your greatest enemy. That is the pattern you have been told you would receive and so you did. And the anxiety tunnels through your insides and tells you your love is   unreal.  That this world is    complicated. That youth is      gone. 

It’s dismissing the lie. It’s opening something possible but ignored. I cannot tell you how much I love you. That I want you there with me. I haven’t been taught how.